On being a learner or a student

This question should be easy enough to answer. I am both a learner and a student. When I am at home or enjoying leisure time, I love reading novels and doing research about the historical period in which the novel takes place and in which the author wrote it. I love making connections between the characters and the people of their time. I especially love comparing them to how life is in my community/family structure/era. There are no limits as to what I can and can’t learn, there are no deadlines or expectations. I can be a fabulous learner. As a student however, I have always struggled. As terrible as it may sound, I decided to be a student for the mere fear of becoming what the majority of the women in my family have become: young mothers, cholas, or married to an abusive man. I have sought school merely to escape poverty and violence. All this time I thought I was intrinsically motivated to be different, but as I listen to my peers, I am more extrinsically motivated. I have sought education to escape a horrible reality in hopes to inspire other Hispanic students to do the same. I have a feeling that I may not be the greatest person for this job. I feel like my peers are a lot more passionate about education than me. Where I seek it for survival, others seek it because they are passionate about it. I am not passionate about discipline, deadlines, or taking interest in what others tell me to take interest in. I am more passionate about going my own way, to study others without sharing my analysis, and listening to others without being questioned myself. I enjoy being invisible. I don’t think I know a teacher who feels the same why as I do. I know I can inspire my future students to be great learners, but the world wants great students. I can only hope I have what it takes to direct them in the right way.